Cleaning House

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Before I began my Fourth Step Inventory, I was so angry and bitter at everyone.  I blamed everyone for my problems.  I had the belief if they had just treated me better, I wouldn't have become an alcoholic.  I would have never used drugs.  I cried daily about my situation, all the while thinking, "poor poor me".  How was I so unlucky?  Why did everyone treat me so poorly.

As my Twelve Step program states, I began making a list of all those who had ever harmed or upset me.  When I say all, I mean ALL, anything you can remember.  The process started out slowly.  I decided for me it would be easier to group my memories by person.  I started with my Mother.  I then spread outward, to the rest of my immediate family, and then friends etc. .  As I wrote, I started to feel the emotions all over again which triggered more memories. My inventory started to take shape.  My goal was to make at least four columns for each memory.

The first column would be Who and What?  What happened in the best detail you can remember. The second column would be the effect that it had on me and others.  What were my feelings about the incident when it happened and how do I feel about it today?  The fourth column would be the part I played in the incident. I made my list filling in columns one  through three first.  (When I initially made the list, I didn't feel the need to put anything in column four  because I wasn't to blame.).

It took me over a week to get what I "thought" was a complete list.  I went over the list with my sponsor.  And that's when I found out more about column four.  I felt so good venting some of these things I had never told anybody, but now I have to find out where I was wrong?  Really?

My sponsor gave me a different perspective on the incidents when we began to review my part.  A perspective I had never even thought of, probably because I was so busy feeling bad for myself.  I began to realize that in mostly all of the situations, I had played a huge role in the outcome. Sometimes, I was worse than the offender.  It wasn't until I was honest with my self that I could come to terms with some traumatic memories.  I also found that some of my memories were my perception and not fact.

I learned that its vital to try to remember everything you can and not to leave anything out of your fourth step.  Its important to be as thorough and honest as possible.  So far, Step Four has been my most difficult step.  I felt a lot of emotions that I had not felt in quite some time.  Despite the fear of facing the past, it was important for me to analyze myself to better understand my addiction.  I have had a few relapses and all of them have been on or right at the start of Step Four.

We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet  conditions, whatever they were."

Big Book - Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 47