I Am Home

I'M PART OF THE WHOLE

At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . .

— AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225

I can remember countless meetings where I thought, "I'm not one of these people, I don't need a  program".  I didn't want to mingle with anybody, I just wanted to sit through the meeting and make up some ridiculous excuse why I couldn't stay and help clean up.  Since I didn't have a car, I would usually have my ride lined up to come early and wait outside the meeting. That way I could always leave quickly and give the old "goodbye shout"  to everyone.  I felt I didn't need to hang around, after all, the meeting was over right?  

It wasn't until I began doing service work that I started to understand that I was one of them.  I was now part of an 'us'.  I remember my sponsor asked me to run the registration table at a Soberfest function we were having.  I couldn't understand why she would want me to do that since I was so new to the program. Why was she throwing me to the wolves?  I had social anxiety.  Why would she think I would be able to meet and greet people in my condition?...blah blah blah, me, me, me... 

Looking back, I see why she asked me.  I got to meet so many people as they came through the doors of that function.  I was cleverly tricked into meeting people in the program.  After a half hour or so at the table, I began to relax and started making small talk with the members as they came through the registration line.  I met so many people that day.  I am forever grateful to my sponsor for asking me to run the registration table that day.  I also began to notice other people that had social anxiety and I began to approach them to try to console them.  I was overcoming my anxiety, I felt like I belonged.

I began to see that while we are all different, we are all part of a solution.  Service work is so important and the feeling of belonging does wonders.  I was helping people to help myself.  

After the function was over, I made so many new friendships.  Friendships that will last a lifetime. I began asking women in the program to give me rides to meetings which led to functions outside of the rooms. No more 'rescue ride' waiting outside the meeting hall. I finally began to feel like I was home.  I had found where I needed to be.  

Shortly after that day, I became more serious about my program of recovery.  I started to get to meetings early and stay later to talk and socialize with other members.  I was finally part of something that had a purpose.