Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine...

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 26

I can remember when my sponsor laughed at me. I said "What are you laughing at? This is serious stuff!"  She said, "I'm laughing because I did the same thing too.."  At the time, I thought, how is any of this stuff in my inventory funny?  This woman must be crazy.  

For awhile, my guilt was telling me I didn't deserve to laugh.  I was subconsciously punishing myself for my past transgressions.  Laughing meant being happy and I didn't deserve to be happy.  So when I couldn't laugh, I drank.  I laughed when I was drinking, I was always laughing (or fighting someone or something).  It wasn't real laughter.  I still felt all of these horrible emotions inside but the edge was knocked off just a bit.  Just enough for me to laugh and try to portray to others that I must be "okay" because I was laughing.

My father was always a very serious man as a child.  I can remember when he laughed, I felt safe. If he was laughing there was a good chance there was not going to be any fighting in the house that night.  My father is an alcoholic and we grew up without laughter.  Everything was serious and I mean everything!! Especially when he was home. Most of the emotions I have,  have a strange "alcoholic" twist on them.  

I had to "un-learn" some learned behaviors  and really begin to understand my emotions in a healthier way.  That meant not taking myself so seriously and believing that I deserve to be happy.  I am not perfect.  I am a work in progress.  

Laughing is healthy and we must laugh at ourselves at times.  The further I get in my program, the more I am able to laugh at myself.  This gift that my higher power has given me has blessed me in so many ways.