Jersey Hooker

IT WORKS It works—it really does. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 88 In the beginning of my recovery, I was still working on my own will.  I was trying to think my way sober.  It was very exhausting.  I was "white-knuckling" it.  I would go to a few meetings here and there.  I would hear of these wonderful spiritual experiences that people were having and sharing their experiences.  I truly didn't think that was going to happen for me.  People would always say to me "keep coming back...it works if you work it..."   Reluctantly, I did keep coming back.  Each time I went to a meeting, it wouldn't strength my hope that I could find the peace and serenity I was so seeking.  Soon, that hope began to turn into a belief.  There was no denying what I was seeing.  People with worse situations than me were transforming into healthy productive people. At some point, my belief transformed into faith.  I had no doubt that God ...

NO ORDINARY SUCCESS STORY A.A. is no success story in the ordinary sense of the word. It is a story of suffering transmuted, under grace, into spiritual progress. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 35 When I first walked through the doors of AA, I was tired and broken.  I had hit a bottom filled with despair, anger, resentments and pain.  I watched others who had stories filled with  many more trials and tribulations, yet they were at peace.  I asked myself how this could be possible.   They believed in a power greater than themselves and through each other, they stayed sober.  I didn't have faith in anything at first and I wasn't about to start trying to get it.  I was too busy fighting battles I couldn't win.  I didn't have time since around talk about some big blue book.  You have no free time when you are fighting everybody and everything. I never imagined that by following the instructions of the older members in the AA, that my lif...

THE CHALLENGE OF FAILURE In God's economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 31 Today is different for me because I have hope.  I have faith that everything is going to be okay so long as I do the next right thing.   I can remember feeling as if everything was failing all at once.  Sometimes I had multiple issues going on in my life but It didn't mean that it was time to throw in the towel.  But that is just what I did.   I believe lots of times, I would just give up without trying, which in turn led to more issues, compounding on top of each other because of my procrastination and my fear. I was tired and defeated.  Some days I didn't have the mental energy to take on challenges in my life.  When that happened, I would do one of two things, sleep or get drunk.   I had this 'all or nothing' attitude.  I was trying to control ...

A THANKFUL HEART I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37 I thank God everyday for leading me to AA.  I start my day with my Daily Reflection reading to put myself in the correct frame of mind.  I need an attitude adjustment the minute I wake up along with lots of coffee.  I am thankful for the life he has given me and blessings he has gifted me.   If I start to doubt God's plan for me and become ungrateful, my self seeking ways slowly creep back into my life.  I will lose sight of the plan he has for me.  I will become so wrapped up into my own world that I become of no use to others who need help.   I have to remember where God has put me and where I came from when I started my journey in recovery.  I cannot take those blessings f...

MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one. — A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46 Hitting bottom for me was the beginning of a new life.  The Ninth Step promises tell me "...sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly."  I reached a point in my recovery where I looked back and thought, 'I am a miracle'.   It didn't feel that way at first.  I wanted my life back, my kids back, my house back, I didn't want loneliness, I was tired of guilt.  I wanted it to all go away on my terms and my timeline. Slowly but surely, with faith and action, miracles began to happen right before more eyes.  For me and others in the program as well.  God has a plan for all of us and it is on His terms, not ours.   My alcoholic way of thinking believed that things should happen on my timeline and my terms.  'Of course, the program just w...

I'M PART OF THE WHOLE At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . . — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225 I can remember countless meetings where I thought, "I'm not one of these people, I don't need a  program".  I didn't want to mingle with anybody, I just wanted to sit through the meeting and make up some ridiculous excuse why I couldn't stay and help clean up.  Since I didn't have a car, I would usually have my ride lined up to come early and wait outside the meeting. That way I could always leave quickly and give the old "goodbye shout"  to everyone.  I felt I didn't need to hang around, after all, the meeting was over right?   It wasn't until I began doing service work that I started to understand that I was one of them.  I was now part of an 'us'.  I remember my sponsor asked me to run the registration table at a Soberfest function we were having.  I couldn't understand why she would want me to d...

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 26 I can remember when my sponsor laughed at me. I said "What are you laughing at? This is serious stuff!"  She said, "I'm laughing because I did the same thing too.."  At the time, I thought, how is any of this stuff in my inventory funny?  This woman must be crazy.   For awhile, my guilt was telling me I didn't deserve to laugh.  I was subconsciously punishing myself for my past transgressions.  Laughing meant being happy and I didn't deserve to be happy.  So when I couldn't laugh, I drank.  I laughed when I was drinking, I was always laughing (or fighting someone or something).  It wasn't real laughter.  I still felt all of these horrible emotions inside but the edge was knocked off just a bit.  Just enough for me to laugh and try to portray to others that I must be "okay" because I was laughing. My fath...

I'M NOT DIFFERENT In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high bottoms," the women said they were different; . . . The Skid-Rower said he was different . . . so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. . . . nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 24 When I first walked into the rooms, I felt different.  My character defects and my ego were both telling me I didn't belong there.  I was scared, nervous, anxious because I feared not being accepted.  I feared I would have to make drastic changes and that scared the heck out of me.  Some of the reasons my Ego gave me was I'm different because I didn't have to do prison time or ove...

OUR PATHS ARE OUR OWN . . . there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25 When I began going to meetings, feeling different than everybody else was a daily occurrence.  I believe in part, this was due to not understanding the path that God had planned for me.  I had no spiritual tools to understand that my path was different than everyone else.  I was slow to catch on.  As today's daily reading states, I was showing up at meetings out of "obligation and necessity" when I first came into the program.   I became frustrated that I wasn't "getting it" like all the others I watched walk through those doors. I wanted what they had but just didn't know how to get it.  So I did the old "fake it til you make" routine.  I asked my close friends what their faith meant to them.  Everyone had different answers and different ideas which just confused me more.   T...

Some of us won't believe in God, others can't, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 25 When I first began my journey in recovery, my faith was weak.  I didn't understand how something greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  I started to believe it was working for others but it wouldn't work for me.  I went to meetings and I was seeing people transform into productive members of society.  Still, I didn't have the feeling that this was what was going to help me.   I was so used to running the show, self will run riot so to speak.  It was a slow process for me, but I kept going to meetings and witnessing the wonderful gift that God was giving everyone. So I slowly and reluctantly began incorporating God in my life with daily readings, prayer,  meetings and service work.  I began to realize that faith requires action . ...

This is great reading for any Alcoholic, Mom or not!  I have had many discussions with my two sons about what it was like then and what it is like now... Below is the link to the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/mom-do-you-have-alcoholism_us_5873f8fae4b08052400ee54c#comments

"Intent reveals desire; Action reveals commitment." - Dr. Steve Maraboli Commitment used to cause me much anxiety.  It meant, taking part of my time do something that may or may not benefit me.  Of course I always had time to commit to drinking activities.  But doing things sober was scary for me.  All of the unresolved emotions and fears I had were travelling around with me in my back pocket.  Anxiety, low self-esteem, fear, loneliness, the list goes on...they went everywhere with me. I would ALWAYS commit to things, but when it came time to deliver, I always fell short.  My children can remember the empty promises for sure.  I would make promises I couldn't keep.  I know now why I would do that... I was trying to make myself feel better or look better at the time I was making the promise, but when it came time to deliver...it was a no go.  I was either to hungover or busy drinking.   I ...

http://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/alcohol/international-statistics.html

"The difference between who you are and what you want to be...is what you do." For some of us, taking action is a scary undertaking.  It means we must change something about how we act.  It means we must examine our behaviors.  Early in my recovery, I can remember being scared to take action.  There were many things I needed to remove from my life, and there were many things I needed to add to my life.  This meant changing my whole routine.  I am a creature of habit, so any change in my routine created anxiety.  Anxiety is one of my biggest triggers.   I had to learn that I was not in control and that I needed to let go of my old thinking and learn to take direction.  I needed to be teachable, learn to listen,  learn to pray, learn to trust a power greater than myself.   I needed to learn how to have faith in something greater than myself. I had to learn tolerance, patience, understanding and most of all helping other...

Step 4:   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Before I began my Fourth Step Inventory, I was so angry and bitter at everyone.  I blamed everyone for my problems.  I had the belief if they had just treated me better, I wouldn't have become an alcoholic.  I would have never used drugs.  I cried daily about my situation, all the while thinking, "poor poor me".  How was I so unlucky?  Why did everyone treat me so poorly. As my Twelve Step program states, I began making a list of all those who had ever harmed or upset me.  When I say all, I mean ALL, anything you can remember.  The process started out slowly.  I decided for me it would be easier to group my memories by person.  I started with my Mother.  I then spread outward, to the rest of my immediate family, and then friends etc. .  As I wrote, I started to feel the emotions all over again which triggered more memories. My inventory started ...

It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 285 When I started my Twelve Step Fellowship for my alcoholism, I thought I could just go until I was "cured".  I also had the belief that the Twelve Step had magic powers that could save me.  I found there is much more than just being "sober".  I learned how to "recover". I practice the principles I have learned in my program in all of my affairs but there are some things that the program cannot afford someone with my specific issues.  I suffer from depression and anxiety because of a chemical imbalance that I cannot control.  This was a separate issue from my drinking, which needed to also be addressed.  I had to seek medical help for these conditions.  If I don't keep my mental health up to par, then my ability to practice my Twelve Step program and connect with my Higher Power will suffer greatly. I believe addiction and menta...

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less." ~ C.S. Lewis I had the concept of humility backwards when I was active in my drinking.  I had this idea that If I let people take what ever they wanted from me, emotional, financial or physically, that I was the "better" person.  That is not humility, it is low self-esteem. I could never figure out why I would always get the short end of the stick when I was nice to people.  I would give anybody the shirt off my back.  "Anybody" was the problem.  I had a very distorted view of myself, my self esteem was at an all time low.  I drank more to try to numb the emotions I felt about myself.  Maybe I was thinking that If I failed in one area, I could surely make it up somehow someway... some distorted backwards karma idea. I thought If I was overly generous, that people wouldn't see me as an alcoholic.  They would see me as a loving person who just had some bad luck ev...

For so long, I convinced myself that I was not the cause of my problems.  Lying to myself allowed me to believe that I could continue drinking with justification.  I would spin events to my favor so as to get sympathy from others. If I could convince them I was a victim of circumstance, then they would surely understand why I drank so heavily.  I convinced myself that I would then be excused from my bad habits.   I believe I managed to convince some people how horribly unfortunate I was and received their sympathy.  Others, saw right through the deception.   I avoided the people who didn’t believe my exaggerated tales because that would mean I would have to face the truth and clean myself up.  There were times when I convinced myself that my children were better off without me because I was so mentally broken.  I felt worthless inside so what value could I offer them?  I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve to be in a healt...

I could never understand why I would get so angry at everything.  Sometimes I didn’t even know why I was angry.  I guess you could say I was somewhat addicted to anger.  It felt comfortable.  I was use to angry people.  If I didn’t get angry, I thought it meant I didn’t care.  Sometimes I would hold on to anger for days, weeks, months or even years.  My angry logic told me that if you want someone to know you are serious, you’d better show them you are angry.  My thinking was so distorted, that I would get mad if someone wasn’t mad when I thought they should be.  I wasn’t just fighting battles that weren’t mine, I was creating them.  My biggest anger trigger was disappointment.  Something didn’t go my way or I was let down.  I was rejected.  What I didn’t see was my anger was isolating me, and the isolation was making me angry.  In essence, I was alienating myself from healthy people.  No one wants to be a...

For every moment you are angry, you lose six seconds of happiness -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Resentments kept me drunk for a long time.  It was a reason to drink, for me anyway.  I could spend the whole afternoon drinking and thinking. Thinking about how badly I was being treated and how things would be different if people would just "treat me right!".  It wasn't my fault that I drank, It was their fault!  They were making me so crazy I had to drink! That's what I used to tell myself.  I would become so obsessed with "getting even".  I was always angry and depressed, it was a great big pity party!  I truly believed that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was a "victim" of other peoples behavior and bad luck.  I felt justified to drink.  After all I had been through, I deserved to be mad and angry. What I didn't realize at the time was things were just getting worse.  No one was suffering because I was hurt or angry, exce...