Self Honesty and Self Reflection

-
For so long, I convinced myself that I was not the cause of my problems.  Lying to myself allowed me to believe that I could continue drinking with justification.  I would spin events to my favor so as to get sympathy from others. If I could convince them I was a victim of circumstance, then they would surely understand why I drank so heavily.  I convinced myself that I would then be excused from my bad habits.   I believe I managed to convince some people how horribly unfortunate I was and received their sympathy.  Others, saw right through the deception.   I avoided the people who didn’t believe my exaggerated tales because that would mean I would have to face the truth and clean myself up. 

There were times when I convinced myself that my children were better off without me because I was so mentally broken.  I felt worthless inside so what value could I offer them?  I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship because of my mental state.  I convinced myself that I deserved to be punished for not being there for my children.

I can remember lying about how much and how often I drank.  When I was challenged, I would fight till the death on trying to convince you that it was not as much as you thought or as often as you thought.  I always had to get the last word.

Whatever the lie, I had to analyze why I was going to such extremes to convince myself and others of my condition.  Here is what I found. 

Every lie or exaggeration started with my “fear” of something.  I would avoid my children because I was afraid they would see me for what I was, a drunk and not a Mom.   So instead of facing the pain of correcting myself, I convinced myself my children didn’t need me.  I lied about how much I drank because I was afraid someone might figure out just how sick inside I was.  That would mean I would have to undertake the painful task of looking in the mirror at myself.  I lied about job hunting when I was unemployed because I was afraid if someone thought I wasn’t actively looking for work, they might not help me if I needed the help.   So I lied about how much I desperately needed help.  I didn’t want anyone to know that my electricity was disconnected, I had no food and I was taking cold showers in the dark. 


It was ALL based on the fear of looking at myself.  I already hated myself, I couldn’t bear to see what other people were seeing when they looked at me and my situation.  I spent so much time making myself look like a victim because I was so afraid of the one thing that I needed so badly… 

Self-Honesty

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Attitude Of Gratitude

-
Image
A THANKFUL HEART I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37 I thank God everyday for leading me to AA.  I start my day with my Daily Reflection reading to put myself in the correct frame of mind.  I need an attitude adjustment the minute I wake up along with lots of coffee.  I am thankful for the life he has given me and blessings he has gifted me.   If I start to doubt God's plan for me and become ungrateful, my self seeking ways slowly creep back into my life.  I will lose sight of the plan he has for me.  I will become so wrapped up into my own world that I become of no use to others who need help.   I have to remember where God has put me and where I came from when I started my journey in recovery.  I cannot take those blessings for granted ; they are to be sha
Read more

Self Pity

-
Image
"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson Self pity can be dangerous if you allow it to control your actions and emotions. Bad things do happen and we have no control over it. We can control how we react. If you allow yourself to drown in self pity, it will keep you from moving forward.  I spent most of my drinking days steeped in self pity. Why me? Why do I have to deal this? Those were the questions I asked myself in between sips of beer. It was so easy to stay in the self pity mode. I carried my bitterness and self-destruction everywhere I went. I let it affect not only me but the people around me. If I didn't find the courage to face my pain head on, I was going to sink deeper into depression. And that is exactly wh
Read more

I Am Home

-
Image
I'M PART OF THE WHOLE At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . . — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225 I can remember countless meetings where I thought, "I'm not one of these people, I don't need a  program".  I didn't want to mingle with anybody, I just wanted to sit through the meeting and make up some ridiculous excuse why I couldn't stay and help clean up.  Since I didn't have a car, I would usually have my ride lined up to come early and wait outside the meeting. That way I could always leave quickly and give the old "goodbye shout"  to everyone.  I felt I didn't need to hang around, after all, the meeting was over right?   It wasn't until I began doing service work that I started to understand that I was one of them.  I was now part of an 'us'.  I remember my sponsor asked me to run the registration table at a Soberfest function we were having.  I couldn't understand why she would want me to d
Read more