Self Honesty and Self Reflection

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For so long, I convinced myself that I was not the cause of my problems.  Lying to myself allowed me to believe that I could continue drinking with justification.  I would spin events to my favor so as to get sympathy from others. If I could convince them I was a victim of circumstance, then they would surely understand why I drank so heavily.  I convinced myself that I would then be excused from my bad habits.   I believe I managed to convince some people how horribly unfortunate I was and received their sympathy.  Others, saw right through the deception.   I avoided the people who didn’t believe my exaggerated tales because that would mean I would have to face the truth and clean myself up. 

There were times when I convinced myself that my children were better off without me because I was so mentally broken.  I felt worthless inside so what value could I offer them?  I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship because of my mental state.  I convinced myself that I deserved to be punished for not being there for my children.

I can remember lying about how much and how often I drank.  When I was challenged, I would fight till the death on trying to convince you that it was not as much as you thought or as often as you thought.  I always had to get the last word.

Whatever the lie, I had to analyze why I was going to such extremes to convince myself and others of my condition.  Here is what I found. 

Every lie or exaggeration started with my “fear” of something.  I would avoid my children because I was afraid they would see me for what I was, a drunk and not a Mom.   So instead of facing the pain of correcting myself, I convinced myself my children didn’t need me.  I lied about how much I drank because I was afraid someone might figure out just how sick inside I was.  That would mean I would have to undertake the painful task of looking in the mirror at myself.  I lied about job hunting when I was unemployed because I was afraid if someone thought I wasn’t actively looking for work, they might not help me if I needed the help.   So I lied about how much I desperately needed help.  I didn’t want anyone to know that my electricity was disconnected, I had no food and I was taking cold showers in the dark. 


It was ALL based on the fear of looking at myself.  I already hated myself, I couldn’t bear to see what other people were seeing when they looked at me and my situation.  I spent so much time making myself look like a victim because I was so afraid of the one thing that I needed so badly… 

Self-Honesty

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