Self Love

As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you the first time around. 

-Oprah Winfrey


I always had this idea that my time as a mom was going to be filled with boy scout meetings, soccer games, car-pooling a bunch of kids, hosting sleep-overs and birthday parties etc... So when I realized that wasn't going to be how it was, I thought I had failed.

I worked full time when my children were infants and toddlers.  They spent their days in daycare or with Grandma.  I was exhausted when I came home from work.  My children's father played a huge roll in the younger years.  It was a weird feeling type of role reversal that I didn't no how to accept. I was the bread-winner.  I had to cut my maternity leaves short with both boys because I wasn't getting paid during my time off.  We had no income if I wasn't working.  I was the one the whole family counted on financially.  I would have gave anything to stay home with the children.

So from the start of their lives, I already felt I was missing out on an important part of motherhood.  I felt I had been robbed of bonding moments that a mother should have.  I had no choice, their father didn't work and the bills weren't going to pay themselves.  I began to question my skills as a mother.  I didn't feel like I was good enough to be their mother.

When my oldest was just 3 years old, I decided to leave their father.  I had gotten tired of carrying the financial burden by myself with no way to save money.  I felt guilty for that.  I felt like I was robbing the boys of the stability of having both their biological parents under the same roof.  Now they were going to have to shuffle back and forth between my house and their father's.

When I finally left their father, I moved into an apartment by myself.   It was around this time that I made friends and began having a social life for the first time in years.  I began drinking socially. Socially became binge drinking, binge drinking became daily drinking and then full blown alcoholism.  My children again suffered, feeling the affects of my drinking.  I had no energy, I would skip days when it was my turn for visitation because I was too tired from the night before.  I began abusing other substances and my life spiraled out of control.  When all was said and done, I had lost everything.  Custody of my children, career, home, car and the list goes on.

I could feel my life spiraling but I couldn't stop it.  I became depressed and my self esteem was draining.  I convinced myself I was an awful mother for not being at home when they were infants, skipping visitation, not having the emotional or physical energy to play with them.  When I was drinking, I put them in countless situations that they should never have been in.  I was so disgusted with myself,.  I couldn't stand myself.  There were times I thought it would be better for them if I wasn't alive.  That way they could just forget about me and move on.  I had a constant painful pit in my stomach because I felt so ashamed.  I would try to dull the pain with alcohol and drugs but that only worked for a short time. The guilt and shame was always there ready to convince me I was worthless.   All of the self-hate I felt inside was beginning to show on the outside.  I was always angry, ready to fight anyone and everyone.  I was constantly arrested for disorderly conduct because I couldn't control my anger.  I blamed everyone else for my problems.  Deep down inside, I was disappointed with myself and how horrible of a mother I was.

When I got sober, I still had the feelings of self-hate, guilt, shame just as strong as when I was drinking.  The difference was, I could work through the emotions that I was feeling.  It wasn't easy by any means, but I had to tell myself that I may have made some mistakes, but I was not perfect. I was their mother and had purpose.   I couldn't get back those years I had missed with my children, but I had so many more years ahead with them. Good years, healthy memories on healthy terms.  I couldn't love them the right way until I loved myself.  I had to forgive myself.

If I didn't forgive myself, I would still be drinking.  If I let my thoughts go to a place where I begin to feel guilt and shame for the past, I will certainly relapse.  Today, I make better choices because I care about myself and what happens to me.