Humility

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less." ~ C.S. Lewis

I had the concept of humility backwards when I was active in my drinking.  I had this idea that If I let people take what ever they wanted from me, emotional, financial or physically, that I was the "better" person.  That is not humility, it is low self-esteem.

I could never figure out why I would always get the short end of the stick when I was nice to people.  I would give anybody the shirt off my back.  "Anybody" was the problem.  I had a very distorted view of myself, my self esteem was at an all time low.  I drank more to try to numb the emotions I felt about myself.  Maybe I was thinking that If I failed in one area, I could surely make it up somehow someway... some distorted backwards karma idea.

I thought If I was overly generous, that people wouldn't see me as an alcoholic.  They would see me as a loving person who just had some bad luck every now and then.  I was constantly let down by people because they saw me as an "opportunity" instead of "help".  On payday, everybody was my friend.  When the money was gone, I was all alone.  I have lost track of all of the money have given away, or possessions that have been stolen, its just too much to count.

What happened was, I eventually became a target.  I appeared too nice.  I can remember waking from being passed out drunk only to find my "friends" rummaging through my home looking for valuables.  I would pretend I didn't see sometimes.  I felt humiliated.

For a long time I thought what I was doing was the right thing.  Sometimes not helping someone is the right thing to do.  I had it confused with humility.  I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of so there is nothing humble about it.  I did it for my own selfish reasons.  It was just another unhealthy bi-product of addiction.

Today I have learned the meaning of truly helping someone.  I can go to my fellowship meetings and share my experiences with newer members.  I can share my thoughts here on my blog and truly help someone that needs it.  I practice the principles I have learned in my twelve step program in all my affairs.  In doing so, I have "true" value.   Today, I don't have to sacrifice myself to be of value.