Why Am I So Angry?

I could never understand why I would get so angry at everything.  Sometimes I didn’t even know why I was angry.  I guess you could say I was somewhat addicted to anger.  It felt comfortable.  I was use to angry people.  If I didn’t get angry, I thought it meant I didn’t care.  Sometimes I would hold on to anger for days, weeks, months or even years.  My angry logic told me that if you want someone to know you are serious, you’d better show them you are angry.  My thinking was so distorted, that I would get mad if someone wasn’t mad when I thought they should be.  I wasn’t just fighting battles that weren’t mine, I was creating them. 

My biggest anger trigger was disappointment.  Something didn’t go my way or I was let down.  I was rejected.  What I didn’t see was my anger was isolating me, and the isolation was making me angry.  In essence, I was alienating myself from healthy people.  No one wants to be around someone that is pissed-off all the time. 

The only people that wanted to be around me were other people that were angry.  They usually had substance abuse problems of their own.  Now just add alcohol to a room of half-cocked alcoholic drug addicts and see what happens.  It’s not a pretty site.  It’s like adding gasoline to a fire.  Needless to say my nights usually ended on the floor of a jail cell.  I was always looking for a fight.

I think my anger episodes were subconsciously fabricated as a distraction from myself.  I wouldn’t have to face the painful emotions I was feeling because I had things to be angry about.  I didn’t have time to work on myself, anger was eating up all of my time and energy.  I was exhausted from always being angry. 

Anger was a great excuse to not work on myself.   I don’t have that luxury anymore.  I cannot allow myself to get into that mental state.  Anger will take over.  It’s like poison to the spirit.