Now What?

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My first post on my first blog!!  So excited!  I decided to start this blog as a way of journaling my thoughts.  And then I got to thinking... Sharing my triumphs and struggles with the next person would be priceless.  If I could actually blog something that would help or inspire another human being, how cool would that be?    My hope is that my daily struggles and how I react to them in recovery may inspire someone to learn a new way of life.  A better life.  A life they deserve, free of anxiety, guilt and shame.  

Every morning, I start with prayer and meditation.  Oh and of course a cigarette and big mug of coffee.  When I first began meditation and prayer , it felt foreign, almost fake.  I wasn't spiritual.  I didn't know how to pray.  And when I began to think of a higher power, i didn't feel like I was worthy.  All of these things I did to my children, my loved ones, what higher power would want to listen to my prayer?  

After weeks of trying to pray I became frustrated.  I began to visit the Lutheran Church around the corner from my house on my lunch hours.  Surely, the church was the answer.  If there was a God, he would most certainly hear me there and because I showed up at the church, he will certainly know I mean business.  I still felt like something wasn't right, but I kept praying anyway.  

Days, weeks, months passed...  and then it happened.  I started noticing what I thought were coincidences, I was calmer,  happier, I felt glimpses of serenity.  It seemed as though order was slowly being restored, chipping away at the chaos that I was so used to.   I was starting to see through the thick fog that had surrounded me for years.    I wasn't as tired, nor as depressed.  I felt HOPE for the first time in years.  

It wasn't until my two sons noticed a difference in me that I realized, prayer and meditation was working.  It was the first time that I went out on a limb and had faith in higher power.  If this was working, what other blessings could come my way if I just have faith.

I wanted more.  

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