Now What?

-
My first post on my first blog!!  So excited!  I decided to start this blog as a way of journaling my thoughts.  And then I got to thinking... Sharing my triumphs and struggles with the next person would be priceless.  If I could actually blog something that would help or inspire another human being, how cool would that be?    My hope is that my daily struggles and how I react to them in recovery may inspire someone to learn a new way of life.  A better life.  A life they deserve, free of anxiety, guilt and shame.  

Every morning, I start with prayer and meditation.  Oh and of course a cigarette and big mug of coffee.  When I first began meditation and prayer , it felt foreign, almost fake.  I wasn't spiritual.  I didn't know how to pray.  And when I began to think of a higher power, i didn't feel like I was worthy.  All of these things I did to my children, my loved ones, what higher power would want to listen to my prayer?  

After weeks of trying to pray I became frustrated.  I began to visit the Lutheran Church around the corner from my house on my lunch hours.  Surely, the church was the answer.  If there was a God, he would most certainly hear me there and because I showed up at the church, he will certainly know I mean business.  I still felt like something wasn't right, but I kept praying anyway.  

Days, weeks, months passed...  and then it happened.  I started noticing what I thought were coincidences, I was calmer,  happier, I felt glimpses of serenity.  It seemed as though order was slowly being restored, chipping away at the chaos that I was so used to.   I was starting to see through the thick fog that had surrounded me for years.    I wasn't as tired, nor as depressed.  I felt HOPE for the first time in years.  

It wasn't until my two sons noticed a difference in me that I realized, prayer and meditation was working.  It was the first time that I went out on a limb and had faith in higher power.  If this was working, what other blessings could come my way if I just have faith.

I wanted more.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Attitude Of Gratitude

-
Image
A THANKFUL HEART I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know. — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37 I thank God everyday for leading me to AA.  I start my day with my Daily Reflection reading to put myself in the correct frame of mind.  I need an attitude adjustment the minute I wake up along with lots of coffee.  I am thankful for the life he has given me and blessings he has gifted me.   If I start to doubt God's plan for me and become ungrateful, my self seeking ways slowly creep back into my life.  I will lose sight of the plan he has for me.  I will become so wrapped up into my own world that I become of no use to others who need help.   I have to remember where God has put me and where I came from when I started my journey in recovery.  I cannot take those blessings f...
Read more

Self Pity

-
Image
"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson Self pity can be dangerous if you allow it to control your actions and emotions. Bad things do happen and we have no control over it. We can control how we react. If you allow yourself to drown in self pity, it will keep you from moving forward.  I spent most of my drinking days steeped in self pity. Why me? Why do I have to deal this? Those were the questions I asked myself in between sips of beer. It was so easy to stay in the self pity mode. I carried my bitterness and self-destruction everywhere I went. I let it affect not only me but the people around me. If I didn't find the courage to face my pain head on, I was going to sink deeper into depression. And that is exactly wh...
Read more

I Am Home

-
Image
I'M PART OF THE WHOLE At once, I became a part—if only a tiny part—of a cosmos. . . . — AS BILL SEES IT, p. 225 I can remember countless meetings where I thought, "I'm not one of these people, I don't need a  program".  I didn't want to mingle with anybody, I just wanted to sit through the meeting and make up some ridiculous excuse why I couldn't stay and help clean up.  Since I didn't have a car, I would usually have my ride lined up to come early and wait outside the meeting. That way I could always leave quickly and give the old "goodbye shout"  to everyone.  I felt I didn't need to hang around, after all, the meeting was over right?   It wasn't until I began doing service work that I started to understand that I was one of them.  I was now part of an 'us'.  I remember my sponsor asked me to run the registration table at a Soberfest function we were having.  I couldn't understand why she would want me to d...
Read more